WALRUS SCORE: F
James Gunn’s Superman is anything but super. As a matter of fact, it’s downright stupid.
I know the movie is getting terrific reviews and audiences seem to love it, but I honestly don’t understand the praise.
The writing is lazy, the dialogue is frequently ridiculous, and the movie is so busy throwing characters, creatures, jokes and action sequences at the screen that it never gives us a reason to care about any of them.
And that’s the biggest problem.
I couldn’t have cared less about anyone in this movie.
Superman should inspire a sense of hope and wonder. Watching him fly should make you sit back and think, “Holy shit, that’s Superman.”
I never had that moment.
Even when the familiar Superman theme kicked in, I felt absolutely nothing. The music seemed to be desperately reminding me that I was supposed to feel something the movie itself had never earned.
The movie never slows down long enough to develop its characters or allow an emotional moment to land. Everything is loud, frantic and constantly moving—yet almost none of it feels important.
Then there’s Krypto.
I love dogs, but Krypto is so overused that he eventually feels less like a character and more like a button the movie keeps pressing whenever it wants the audience to laugh or say, “Aww.”
Even when the dog was in danger, I still felt nothing. The lackluster CGI certainly didn’t help.
Several plot developments are so absurd and unbelievably convenient that I started wondering whether the entire movie was some elaborate inside joke—and I was the only person who hadn’t been told the punchline.
And through all this, Superman spends nearly two hours getting his ass kicked.
I’m perfectly fine with Superman struggling, but there’s a difference between making him vulnerable and making him completely ineffective. This Superman is constantly beaten, outsmarted, overwhelmed or rescued.
And before anyone tells me that makes him “more human,” it doesn’t.
Character development makes someone human. Getting repeatedly punched in the face does not.
Superman doesn’t need to be dark and miserable, but hopeful doesn’t have to mean childish. Colorful doesn’t have to mean stupid. Fun doesn’t have to mean emotionally empty.
Clearly, this version connected with a lot of people.
It did absolutely nothing for me.
I wasn’t inspired when Superman flew. I wasn’t worried when he was in danger. I wasn’t moved when the music told me I should be.
Sorry, James.
NOT MY SUPERMAN.
