WALRUS SCORE: F
Sometimes a movie hits theaters, critics hate it, and audiences collectively shrug and say, “Meh.”
That appears to be what happened with Supergirl.
But then I had friends tell me, “It’s not that bad,” and even, “I kinda liked it.”
I’m now reconsidering those friendships.
Because Supergirl isn’t merely bad. It’s beyond trash. Beyond dog shit. It’s an insult to moviemaking.
Yes, it’s everything you’ve heard: a weak story, terrible dialogue, bland performances, unfinished-looking visual effects, and all the usual James Gunn DCU ingredients—piss jokes, shit jokes, an irritating CGI dog, and enough carefully selected “hipster music” to fill an overpriced vinyl shop.
Craig Gillespie directed the movie, but Gunn’s fingerprints are all over it. That includes the now-standard requirement that any superpowered Kryptonian must be conveniently depowered because writing an interesting story around someone with actual powers would apparently require too much effort.
The entire movie is smothered in washed-out, Mad Max-style colors and populated by characters who receive almost no meaningful development. It looks and feels less like a major theatrical release and more like an especially expensive Syfy original movie.
And if you were hoping Jason Momoa’s Lobo might save it, don’t hold your breath.
He looks like a guy who spent six months building an impressive cosplay costume and then forgot to create a character to go inside it. Lobo should be loud, dangerous, funny, and completely unpredictable.
Somehow, this movie even makes Lobo boring.
Milly Alcock may be perfectly talented in the right role, but she is horribly miscast here. Her Supergirl is abrasive without being compelling, miserable without being sympathetic, and almost impossible to care about. The movie continually pushes the camera into unflattering close-ups while giving her nothing emotionally interesting to play. And for the love of god, someone get her an orthodontist! Her massive underbite and crooked teeth are a major distraction.
Worse, the ending contradicts nearly everything the movie spent two hours telling us about her character.
But the movie’s ultimate sin isn’t the ugly CGI, lazy writing, bad jokes, or nonexistent character development.
It’s boring.
Painfully, aggressively, almost impressively boring.
I didn’t laugh, chuckle, or even grin once. By the one-hour mark, I felt like I was being tortured through sheer dullness. I think I started forgetting these characters while I was still watching them.
Boring aliens. Boring action. Boring plot.
They even made LOBO boring.
How the hell do you do that?
I will never willingly watch another frame of this movie again.
As I said, Supergirl isn’t merely a bad superhero movie.
It’s an insult to moviemaking.
EPIC. EPIC. FAILURE.
